What we Did and How We Did It

WHAT WE DID HOW WE DID IT
Introduction

My friends have often asked me to write down the methods we used in parenting the children in our care. We developed these ideas over 45 years of working with seriously emotionally disturbed children in a foster care situation. My expertise was with traumatized and sexually abused children.
When we first started we were a foster family with two natural children and no training in working with abused, traumatized children. In fact, in 1968 the word traumatized wasn’t even in our vocabulary. Everyone had advice on how to handle badly behaved children. Even the police advised me to take two of my boys “Out behind the barn”. Teachers often suspended them from school, administrators removed them from school altogether, social workers threatened them with Juvenile Hall. WHAT TO DO?
Jim and I sincerely believed that if we loved them, accepted them as full members of our family, dressed and fed them well, celebrated birthdays and holidays they would reciprocate and love us back. We thought they would appreciate a “good family”. At one time we had a 13 year old girl. We invited her siblings over one winter day. They all went to church with us. Her younger sister hugged her and said, “Look at you! You have everything you ever wanted, store bought clothes, beauty shop haircut, a mom and a dad….” Our daughter replied, with a tear in her eye, “I know, but it’s the wrong family.”
I understood exactly what she meant and decided, I had to take me out of the picture. It wasn’t about me, nor our family, it was about the children. Here we had children with few values, manners, skills, quality, kindness, or morals – all things you want your children to have. This is not possible without a set of values, but how do you teach value to children who have learned that they don’t count, have given up on adults, and even having friends?
A friend gave me a copy of Dr. William Glasser’s book, Control Theory , and that was the beginning of a program that would help all of us gain what we wanted, happy, productive, competent children who could make and keep good relationships.
Of course we had learned basic tools such as a thorough medical and psychological exam, but in the early days it was difficult to accomplish with the existing knowledge of sexual, physical and mental abuse. It wasn’t until late in the 1990’s that we could find competent help. I mostly used social workers who had experience in the field and that I trained in Choice Theory myself. We sent all of our leadership to the Glasser Institute for training. Things such as bedwetting, constant stomach aches and headaches need medical attention. Things such as autism, hyperactivity, problem concentrating, depression, and signs of trauma need appropriate care.